randomly i am going to talk about random thoughts. Why not?

i honestly have no idea what i am doing.
i needed to have another set of blogging for my other random set of thoughts .
yes i have random moment thoughts like most people i think. i just from one thing to another instantly.
i learned this just being at work and in life.
I use to journal and have a diary and loved it until some ex boyfriend decided he would take it and lock himself in the bathroom of MY house and read the entire thing. He said he found it the most interesting read of his life. I felt invaded and betrayed. That relationship went down hill very fast. I never wrote in a book again. It takes too much time and honestly Time is something I do not have much of in life lately.
Time is filled with life. some fun and some joy some I can not even remember
Honestly I would have to sit and really look at a calendar to tell you what i did last week and i really would not remember the emotions that went with it. the flaw of a trauma filled childhood.
SUCKS!
I can tell you the stories of things I know and that have stayed. the actual feelings I have to think about to feel and when the come its like a dam breaking open and i fear i wont be able to close it and something horrible will come out and wont stop. but at times know I will be able to . I do not like to cry at all. Its horrible. the tears and fear and the emotions. Sadness sucks. its mostly the feeling in my chest of pain around my heart that breaking feeling that i dont like.
i though i knew heart break of relationships but the ultimate heart break is when you loose the person you love of your life. that would be my grandmother. the women i admire and miss every single day of my life. oh god here comes that frigging tear...... wait i gotta get my break for a second here and take a few big gulps or I'm going to break. ok wiped the tears. now she was my love. i can tell you tha i love her so much its annoying.  i listen to her 2 last saved messaged that give me peace and actually calm me down when i am about to break.
she saved my life basically .
Nana and Grandpa took me in like Annie. I was 6 happiest time of my life as a kid as far as I can remember. I have no idea the sadness around me with the whole situation.
My grandfather spoiled me the minute I moved in. Toys like you would not believe. I never a life like they gave me. but 6 months later that would change.
i gotta go for now.